Well obviously life isn't so bright all day isn't it ? Sometimes it has its downs... And sometimes I feel too overwhelmed by it. I don't go out much because I'm terrified of peoples, I only know how to talk to my friends, or to this blog too I guess ? But I'm not talking to anyone specific here I'm just ranting to a piece of code that I made. I don't think I'm entitled to whine somehow because I know I'm not alone, I'm even going out to see my friends today [Which disprove the statement I said earlier about me not going outside but it's more complicated than that. Outside of seeing my friends I don't go outside during plain day, I only take night strolls at 2AM.] The thing is that they're not 100% available and it's normal ! Not everybody has to be here 100% for you it would be selfish eitherway. It took me a while to realize that. I can't describe the feeling I have, it's a void in my feelings, it's not only loneliness it's unpurposefulness. I'm not the most effective of friends either. I can't quite describe that my mind is fuzzy.

Being a very anxious person doesn't help, I don't usually talk. Hency why I tell peoples to contact me, because I won't contact them. Not being I hate them or anything but because I'm scared of it. I don't start conversations and I'm not good at keeping them either, I'm seeking help for that. Psychatrists aren't easy to find in France sadly.

Also my brother is becoming more of a toll mentally, he doesn't physically abuse me and if he does he punches me in the gut where it will leave no mark. He's more of a mental abuser, I want to get out of my place but I'm stuck here with him. He says my every actions to my father, my night strolls are more rare because he tells my father when I take one and my father doesn't want me to have a stroll so late at night. I'm not free of my mind, I'm not free of my actions, my family pressures me to be succesfull, I don't care about it. I want to get out of here, I think I'm going to take a run out of here. Help me.